Alchemic Magic
by articwolfgirl347
Summary: Edward Elric is sent on a mission to see if the claims of a wizard and witch school known as 'Hogwarts' is real, and is enrolled in it as a fifth year.  Ed must report to Mustang.  Using his knowlege of magic, Ed will try to use it to save his brother Al.


**Disclaimer: I am not a famous lady in London, 'kay? I don't own squat!**

Ed arrived at his destination, still pissed off at Mustang for forcing him away from Al. "What right does he have?" Ed muttered. He'd gotten to this castle in a carriage pulled by these black, horse-like creatures.

Oh yes, Ed was furious and simmering on the inside at this whole 'mission'. Assigned to Ed by the Fuhrer himself, King Bradley, to attend this 'wizard and witch' school known as 'Hogwarts' to investigate their 'magic'. It was utterly and totally _ridiculous._ Ed couldn't even take the name seriously. It was obviously a joke or prank. If any part of this mission was actual, it would undoubtedly be regular alchemy, plain and simple.

He entered the school, going up its' stairs to find a bunch of twelve-year-old children and a woman with her hair in a tight bun that screamed 'uptight'.

"Hello…?" Ed said uncertainly. Was it all a joke? Suddenly Ed wasn't so sure. Was this really an… insane asylum?

"Professor McGonagall. You are…?"

"Edward Elric from Amestris." …_the youngest ever to become a state alchemist, equal to a major in rank._

"Ah yes, Mister Elric. Come with me please." As she turned away she snapped to a few older students, "Prefects, watch these students for a moment." With that, she went down the hall her heels giving off a short clicking sound against the floor, and it reminded Ed of Riza Hawkeye for a second. He gave a small smile at the thought of her, but it faded as he remembered recent events. He'd left Al, going on a train for three days before arriving in London, and from there he had boarded another train to Hogwarts, where he had traveled via carriage. His thoughts were drifting towards Alphonse again when the woman stopped abruptly in front of the two gargoyles.

"Sun lillypops," she said suddenly, and Ed once again questioned her sanity. The gargoyles moved aside, revealing a corridor. McGonagall went through and stepped into the office of an elderly man.

The office was large, and several paintings lined it. Ed flinched as he noticed that they… _moved. _"What are those things?" He inquired, both curious and wary.

"Hmm. I would've thought you would know. These are called paintings, and they are very common here at Hogwarts." The old man replied with a glint of amusement in his eyes. Ed glared at him.

"I know what paintings are, I just don't know how they can move. Explain it."

"Well now, Mister…?"

"Edward Elric. From Amestris."

"Alright then, Mister Elric. I believe that it has something to do with a painter and an enchanted brush. It's quite exquisite."

"Dumbledore," the uptight woman addressed, "this is the boy who is a transfer student from Amestris. I believe you requested I bring him to you as soon as he arrived?"

"Yes, thank you, Minerva." The man turned back to Ed. "I am the headmaster of this school, Professor Dumbledore. What do you know of magic?"

"It's impossible. Really. In order for something to be gained, something of equal value must be lost. 'Magic' is just a barbaric term for-"

"Alchemy?" Dumbledore interrupted.

"Yeah," Ed replied.

"Mister Elric, how do you know that, if you don't mind my asking?"

"I was raised on alchemy." Dumbledore's' eyebrows rose in interest and surprise.

"Do you mean to say that you have studied it extensively?"

"Yes."

"Can you perform it?"

"Yes." Ed was getting annoyed. "Get to the point, old man!" Dumbledore nodded.

"Mister Elric, the outside world knows little of alchemy, especially London. To the wizards of this age, alchemy isn't worth studying. It is known only for being able to create gold, and- legendary only for attracting those who seek for immortality. The truth of the matter is that the magic we use does not follow the laws of alchemy. In magic, you can get things without giving something in return." _Sign him up for the psychiatric ward,_ Ed thought blatantly in his head. _This guy's lost his mind and forgotten where the lost-and-found place is._

"Mister Elric, we are going to say that you are a transfer student going into your fourth year. Do you understand what that means?"

"Gee, you don't think that it could mean that I'm coming into this school from somewhere else, do you?" Ed asked mockingly, eyes wide. McGonagall gave a small noise of disapproval.

"It means that you are going to have to catch up quickly, miraculously quickly, on such short notice. If anything astonishes you or you don't know something that is basic in magic, you can't let anyone else notice. Tomorrow morning we'll take you out to get your wand." Ed burst into laughter.

"A… _wand?_" Ed chuckled some more. "You can't be serious. There is no such thing as _magic. Nothing_ can bypass the laws of alchemy… nothing except for the Philosophers' stone, and there aren't many of them."

"Mr. Elric, you are going to have to accept that there are such things that are unexplainable," McGonagall replied in an exasperated tone. "Here's an example." She pulled out a stick, pointed it at Ed and commanded, "_Wingardium Leviousa!_" Ed was shocked as he was moved off of the ground.

"Release me!" He spoke in an agitated voice, and McGonagall complied.

"Keep in mind that there are various forms of magic too, like potions or transfiguration. I'll have your textbooks and other supplies sent to you this evening. Now, come with me."

Ed was led back to the group of eleven-year-olds. McGonagall pulled out a stool and set it in front of four tables. She then left and returned with a hat and a piece of parchment. "Arnworthy, Abigail," she read off of the paper and the girl walked up to McGonagall. McGonagall gestured for the girl to sit down, and as the girl complied, McGonagall placed the hat on her head.

"RAVENCLAW!" A voice shouted after a moment. Ed strained to see where the voice had come from. Had McGonagall spoken? Ed couldn't imagine her voice being that low.

"Blimey, that hat's enchanted to speak!" Whispered a boy with sandy-brown hair.

"What do you think it-" The other boy broke off as McGonagall called out another name.

"Burmingham, James!" The boy with the sandy-brown hair went up to McGonagall.

"GRIFFINDOR!" Roared the hat, and Ed's eyes widened. The hat was speaking. That meant that someone had placed the soul of a human into the hat. The question was: why?

Slowly, more students were called up, and shortly thereafter, Ed was the last one left. "Before Dumbledore's speech, there is one last person to be placed into a house," McGonagall announced. "He is a transfer student going into his fifth (?) year."

"Elric, Edward!" Ed walked up to the stool, slightly annoyed that all eyes were on him. He took a seat, and the hat was placed on his head. Ed felt the hat probing into his mind, and nearly fell off of the stool when it spoke to him.

"Loyalty to your brother," it whispered. "You'd be good for…"

"HUFF-" It broke off. "No, there's more to you than that," it mused. "Ah!" It said, surprised. "You know what I am. You know alchemy! You are bright enough for…"

"RAV-" It stopped. "Oh my, my, you are a puzzle, Mister Elric. You are cunning, not just intelligent. You hold grudges, you are mischievous and willing to deceive others to help your brother and yourself…" _Geez, I didn't know that this hat could give a personality quiz, _Ed thought sarcastically. "You are…"

"SLYTHERI-" The hat sighed. "Oh my, where to put you? You wouldn't want to be with the other Slytherins, would you? For I see that your most precious people are Griffindor, and that your love for them is strong- so strong that you would die for them. Marking you as a Slytherin would separate you from Griffindors whom you would fight for and defend.

"I know now where I shall place you, but do not forget that you are part Slytherin as well. Nevertheless, I will place you with comrades you will admire, the…"

"GRIFFINDOR!" It finally announced. Everyone paused for a second, making sure that the hat wouldn't change its mind once more. Then, thunderous applause rose from a single table with red and gold decorations. Ed stood and gave the hat to a puzzled but thoughtful McGonagall, and then went to the applauding table. He was going to sit at the edge of the table when a redheaded boy started gesturing wildly for Ed to sit by him. Ed complied, but as he sat next to the redhead, he noticed that across the table sat another redhead that was the mirror image of the one next to him.

"Hey, I'm Gred." The one next to him spoke, a smile on his face.

"I'm Feorge," said the other, smiling as well.

"We're twins," they said in unison. The brown-haired girl on Ed's left rolled her eyes.

"They're lying. One of them is Fred, the other George, and good luck telling the two apart. I have to wonder sometimes if they themselves can remember which twin they are."

"But Hermoine-"

"I'm offended!" The two both spoke indignantly.

"She has no sense of humor," the one closest to Ed whispered loudly, and Ed couldn't help but grin.

The girl next to him turned away with a haughty "Hmph!" back to her other companions, another redhead and a black-haired boy with glasses. Looking further down the row, Ed saw yet another redhead.

"Are you all quadruplets?" Ed asked in wonder.

"Heavens, no-!"

"That'd be a nightmare!"

"Those others are only-"

"Our dull and-"

"Utterly boring-"

"Siblings." Before they could continue, they were interrupted by Professor Dumbledore.

"There is a time for a speech, but now is not it. Suffice it to say, welcome back to Hogwarts and let the feast begin!" At Dumbledore's words, various foods appeared on the table. Ed was able to conceal his shock before anyone noticed and began gorging himself on the food as everyone else (except for the girl, Hermoine) did as well. Ed noticed a brass cup on his right, and drank a bit, the cool liquid sliding down his throat pleasantly. His eyes widened and tears almost sprang to them as he tasted the familiar liquid. It was his mothers' special limeade, the kind with a secret recipe only his mom had known how to make.

"Hey, how did they get this drink?" Ed asked.

"Oh, you don't know? The goblets are magically enhanced to fill up with whatever drink you like best."

"Oh…" That explained it. "Thanks, Fred."

"Your welcome." With that, Ed began to once again gorge himself. Half a minute later, Fred spoke up as he realized something. "Hey, how'd you know I was Fred?" Ed grinned. George had stopped eating by now too.

"I'm not saying."

"No, really, mate-"

"Tell us-"

"Even mum can't tell us apart anymore." The redhead next to the boy with glasses started choking on a piece of meat. When he cleared his throat he gazed at Ed.

"You can tell them apart?" Ed shrugged.

"Maybe."

"How?" Ed rolled his eyes.

"I made a lucky guess and relied on his instincts to respond automatically to what I said. I won't always be able to tell them apart, but I should be able to trick them sometimes."

There was a collective, "Ooooooh, I see," from the twins.

"Well then, Gred-"

"Yes, indeed Feorge-"

"We'll just have to-"

"Be alert from now on."

"You won't trick us a second time." Ed grinned.

"We'll see about that."

Dinner passed and Dumbledore gave a standard speech, in which Ed mostly ignored. It said nothing of magic, and little of studies. Afterwards, a woman cleared her throat loudly, wearing what Ed could only describe as a pink monstrosity. She then gave her own speech about Hogwarts, and Ed picked up a few more details in her speech. She wanted to change the school to fit her and her 'Ministry's' ideals. Ed knew just by her appearance and facial expressions that he wasn't going to like her one bit. From the grumblings around him, the other students didn't like her, either. _Umbridge… more like Toad Witch._

Finally, the speech was over with, and a few older students known as 'prefects' started gathering the first years together for a small tour of the school and then to be brought to the Griffindor Tower.

"Hey, Ed!" One of the twins called out as Ed went to join the group.

"Yeah?"

"Come with us."

"We'll give you a real tour." Ed shrugged.

"M'kay. Thanks Feorge."

"It's Gred," the twin replied.

"_I'm _Feorge," whined the other.

"_Sorry,_" Ed replied snidely. "Touchy, aren't we?"

"_You _try being a twin for a day and-"

"See how it feels." They replied in shrill voices. Ed rolled his eyes.

"If you're going to give me a tour, get going."

"Oh my, Feorge, Ed is getting impatient-"

"Right Gred, we'd best get moving." The twins strode off in the opposite direction of the prefects' group.

"I'm _so _glad you decided to come with us, Ed-" One twin said loudly.

"Percy's so uptight you'd be absolutely _miserable_ with him-"

"You made the right choice." Ed looked behind and saw the older redheaded prefect fuming, but trying to stay calm.

"Come along, now," the prefect told the first years. "It's best to stay away from those ruffians; you're liable to find a dung bomb in your bed." The twins broke their character.

"Hey, that was a special gift for you, Percy-!"

"We wouldn't give a dung bomb to just _anyone_-!"

"How dare you infer such a thing-!"

"You're our dear brother-"

"I feel so betrayed!" The twins clung to each other and pretended to sob. Percy rolled his eyes at his brothers' antics and walked away, leading the first years.

"Is… is he gone now?" One of the twins asked between sobs.

"Yeah," Ed replied. The twins split apart and walked forward as though nothing had happened.

"Follow us, Ed!"

"To the kitchen!"

"Huzzah!" Ed was led to a small door. Fred and George (though Ed obviously had no idea which twin was which) crawled through it, and Ed did the same. They were then able to stand up and Ed glanced at the kitchen for the first time.

It was a standard kitchen, equipped with stoves, ovens, cooking pans, and shelves stocked with various ingredients. However, the cooks within it were another story. The cooks were small creatures, barely wearing clothes, with pointed ears and large eyes.

"What can I do for you, sirs?" One asked the group.

"Well, not much-"

"We're giving a tour right now, you see-"

"We're showing Ed around the kitchen-"

"Because it's a very important part of Hogwarts-"

"The magic you do in these kitchens astounds us!" The cook warmed at the compliment.

"Thank you, sirs! Tell us if you need anything, anything at all!" With that, it scurried off. The twins leaned in towards Ed.

"These kitchens are really important because-"

"This is where we get some of our ingredients for-"

"Our pranking devices."

"Pranking… devices?" Ed inquired.

"Yup, we're the best pranksters around."

"We sell our products, too-"

"We've got quite a few customers-"

"From every house-"

"Including Slytherin." The two spoke with pride.

"That's handy," Ed said aloud.

"Sure is. With our inventions you can-"

"Ger revenge on a certain goody-two-shoes-"

"Or get out of class-"

"Because you puked-"

"Or got a bloody nose-"

"All sorts of things." The redheads ranted as they continued giving Ed a tour of the surroundings. They were coming upon the Griffindor tower when they turned on Ed.

"Hey, Ed-"

"We've got a question-"

"What was with you and the-"

"Sorting Hat today?"

"Why couldn't it make up its mind?" They stared at Ed.

"I guess that… I had qualities that matched all four houses," Ed replied thoughtfully. "It said something about how I was loyal, intelligent, cunning, and willing to die for the people closest to me."

"Cunning, huh?"

"Not a bad quality-"

"Even if it is a quality-"

"Of a Slytherin." The two looked reflective. "Ah, well," they gave up as thinking deep thoughts was obviously too much work.

"On to the Commons."

"Bumbling Bristles," one of the Weasley twins announced, and a painting of an obese woman (that moved!) swung open to reveal a large space that gave off the feel of a living room, complete with a warm, glowing fire. A few people were there, chatting animatedly with friends.

"Well, here it is!" The other twin said grandly. "To the left is the girls' dormitories, to the right is ours." They turned and went up the stairs to the boys' quarters. The rooms were simply decorated, with two bunk beds per room. The twin Weasleys went down to the end of the hall and turned left.

"This is our room!" The group of three stepped in. Only two beds held belongings; the other two mattresses were desolate.

"Is it okay if a bunk with you?" Ed inquired.

"Sorry, Ed, but-"

"You don't want to sleep with us."

"Our room is where we-"

"Test out our gags-"

"And they go south a lot-"

"Leaving the foulest stench." Ed shrugged.

"I don't care." The twins gave a meaningful glance to each other and sighed.

"Ed- Come take a look here." One said, laying down and scooting under one of the desolate mattresses. Ed copied the movement, and watched as the twin- was it George?- pulled out a pocketknife and cut into the mattress. Ed saw brightly colored objects as he peered into the mattress.

"The kitchen is where we gather ingredients for our inventions-"

"Our room is where we make our inventions-"

"And here is where we _hide_ our inventions, so-"

"That McGonagall or Percy don't confiscate it."

"You can't tell anyone, okay?" Ed nodded.

"I swear it." The twins sighed in relief.

"Thanks, Ed."

"Yeah. Sorry you can't bunk with us, mate."

"Meh," Ed shrugged. "See ya."

"See ya!" They both replied. Ed stood and left, going down the hall. He passed by a few rooms that were full before finding one with an open lower bed.

"Mind if I move in?" He asked the rooms' occupants, suddenly aware of the surly mood his fellow Griffindors were in.

"Feel free," the redhead he'd seen earlier responded. "Don't think Dean will be moving back in." The redhead then turned away and shuffled under his covers. Ed sat on the bed, grateful that he didn't have to search for a bed any longer.

Suddenly with a popping sound, one of the cooks showed up in the middle of the room, surprising Ed, whose reaction was to let out a curse.

"Here are your textbooks, sir, just like the madam said," the cook informed Ed, putting down the heavy load. With another cracking sound, it was gone.

"Jeez, scare the crap out of me when it's only a house elf," the redhead muttered, but Ed paid him no attention, turning instead towards the books.

McGonagall had said he'd need to catch up quickly to maintain his cover of transferring from another magical school. Ed took a textbook and opened it to the first page.

Ed blinked, suddenly noticing a few weak rays of light leaking in from the window. Ed sighed, wondering how he had pulled an all-nighter studying his textbooks without even realizing it. Normally Al was there to stop Ed an hour or two after midnight. Ed was really going to miss his younger brother. He mentally cursed Mustang and the Fuhrer for assigning him this mission (plus he hated Mustang anyways).

There was no point staying around in bed, so Ed crept out of the room, and went down to the Commons. To his surprise, McGonagall was coming down the stairs from the girls' dormitories at the same time.

"Ah, Mister Elric," she greeted him. "You saved me the trouble of getting you myself."

"What do you need me for?" He asked.

"We'll get your wand and uniform robes this morning before classes," she replied. "Prepare yourself." She grabbed Ed by his right shoulder (noticing that it was quite stiff) and apparated into a completely different place.

Ed turned around in shock. "W-where are we? What happened to Hogwarts? What did you do?" He demanded.

"Calm down, Mister Elric! I merely used a form of transportation known as Apparation. It instantly takes the user to where they wish to go. You will learn it in Sixth Year." McGonagall explained. "Come along now; quickly." She sped off towards a little shop marked as Ollivanders.

Ed entered the shop with McGonagall and noticed a musty smell immediately in the small area. A thin man poked his head out from among the shelves. "Ah! I shall be with you momentarily!" He then took some boxes from off the shelf he was at and took it into a small closet at the back of the store. He then strode forward to greet his two customers.

"What can I help you with?"

"The boy needs a wand." McGonagall replied.

"Alright," Ollivander said, turning to Ed. "What kind was your last wand?" Ed blinked.

"He hasn't had a previous wand, this is his first time." McGonagall interrupted.

"Oh, I see," Ollivander replied. "Well, let's hop to it, then. Which arm do you write with, boy?" Ed flinched a bit at the overbearing shopkeeper.

"Left." The man grabbed Ed's left arm and magically summoned measuring tapes.

"Hmmm…." The man mused. "Interesting." Ollivander sped off, grabbed a wand and handed it to Ed. "Shake it." He instructed. Ed was in the middle of a downward stroke when the wand was swiped away. "Not pine, unlikely to be aspen..." The man kept muttering to himself and had Ed trying several new wands. "Probably not unicorn hair… phoenix feather maybe? Rarity, this is…" Ed grumbled at having more sticks shoved into and out of his hands. Finally, the thin man slowed. "I've tried almost every wand in the shop, and still no wand calls him!" The man exclaimed exasperatedly.

"Wait!" The man got a strangely excited look on his face. Turning, he opened the closet in the back and reached deep into it, pulling out a wand box. "A strange wand, this is." He gave it to Ed for a swish, and as Ed waved it, red-orange sparks came out. "Aha!" Ollivander exclaimed.

"This wand is seven inches made of oak with a core of culm! It's a one-of-a-kind, very special. I have never seen a wand with this kind of core used before. How curious! I thought that this core was almost incapable of using in a wand."

"Can I pay for the wand now? We really must be going, Ollivander." McGonagall said impatiently. "Classes will be starting soon, and the boy still needs his wizard robes." Ollivander agreed and McGonagall purchased the wand for Ed, who was silently waving the wand up and down as the sparks came out. If making pretty sparkles was all a wand did, he had no idea why he needed one, although it seemed from his textbooks that wands did a great deal in almost all of his studies. He was becoming unsure of his earlier convictions. Perhaps this 'magic' was somehow possible…

"Mister Elric, we are leaving!" McGonagall spoke in an exasperated tone. Ed followed her to Madame Malkins. Ed made a face at the ugly clothes he was confronted with.

"I'm supposed to _wear this?_" Ed asked disgustedly.

"Yes, Elric, you are. It's the school uniform." McGonagall replied.

"No chance."

"You must."

"No." Madame Malkin walked up to him.

"Time for your measurements to be taken," she said, starting to measure Ed.

"Cut it out!" He exclaimed. "What do you think you're doing?" Madame Malkin ignored the blonde and continued measuring, quickly finishing.

"Here you go!" She announced, bringing over some robes. "Just a bit on the small side, it should fit quite nicely."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SMALLER THAN A GRAIN OF RICE?" Ed ranted.

"Calm down, Elric!" McGonagall said sharply. She turned to Madame Malkin. "Sorry for the trouble; these will do fine." As McGonagall went to pay for them, Ed stopped her.

"It's my clothes, I'll buy it." As she protested, Ed stopped her. "You were kind enough to pay for my wand, I'll pay for the clothes." He gave Madame Malkin the coins (though he still found it strange that the wizards had their own separate currency from their country) and took the robes. The two left the shop and apparated back to Hogwarts.

Ed put the robes under the bed and tried out a spell he had read of in one of his textbooks. The robes all burst into flames, and by the time Ed recited a spell for putting out flames, all of the robes but one were incinerated. _Oops… not!_ Ed shrugged and went down to the dining hall.

On his way down, he encountered the Percy Weasley. "Why aren't you wearing your robes?" The prefect demanded.

"They're ugly. I refuse to wear them. Unlike the rest of you, I don't enjoy looking like, how would you wizards say… oh, yes! I don't enjoy looking like a pansy." Before the prefect could say another word, Ed sidestepped him and continued down to the dining hall.

Ed couldn't find the twins, so he sat by himself and looked at his schedule. His classes for the day were Defense Against the Dark Arts, Divination, Potions, and Transfiguration. _Transfiguration…?_ Was that the same as transmutation? Ed hoped not. He hated the sick, disgusting people who would dare to create chimeras and Philosopher stones and the like.

"Hey," a friendly voice said behind him, coming up and sitting down next to Ed. It was the bushy, brown-headed girl from yesterday. If Ed remembered correctly, her name was Hermoine.

"Hello."

"What classes have you got for today?" Ed read his off to her. "That's good. Ron, Harry, and I have the same classes too."

"Who are Ron and Harry?" Ed asked blankly. There were too many people in this school to remember. Ed couldn't remember the last time he had been around so many other people who were his same age.

"Ron's a Weasley, the younger brother of Fred and George. Harry is… he's Harry Potter of course." She said matter-of-factly.

"Should I know who 'Harry Potter' is?" Ed asked. Her eyes widened.

"You must've transferred from pretty far away not to know who Harry is. Have you never picked up the Daily Prophet?" Ed shook his head. "Wow," she said with a sigh, "I can't believe you haven't heard of him yet." Ed rolled his eyes.

"Hermoine! We're heading off to visit Hagrid a minute." A redhead called.

"Coming, Ron!" She yelled back. "See you later." She said to Ed, who said nothing as she ran off to the redhead and black-haired boy.

Ed didn't know what to think of the experience, but shrugged it off and went back to his food. He pulled out a textbook and started reading more from it. Divination was the only textbook that he hadn't read completely yet.

Ed didn't realize that the bell had rung until a hand nudged his shoulder. Ed looked up to see a boy with a rounded face shaking him slightly. "Um, the bell rang," the boy said uncertainly. "You're gonna be late if you don't start heading to class." The boy somehow struck Ed as someone as kind as Al. Ed felt a pang of homesickness.

"Thanks," Ed muttered, and closed the textbook. The boy left as Ed trashed the remains of his food.

Ed walked into the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, and immediately grimaced. _This is Toad Witch's class._ Ed took a seat in the very back at the class. The woman's perfume hung in the air in an unpleasantly overbearing way.

"Hello, class," she said, with obvious fake enthusiasm. A few students mumbled a reply. "Now, now," she rebuked lightly- disgustingly lightly. "I want a real answer; all together now. Hello, class."

"Hello, Professor Umbridge," the majority of the class replied in a dull voice. Ed almost gagged. She was treating the class as though they were a bunch of first graders.

"That'll do for now." Ed rolled his eyes and tuned out the annoying, ear-grating, pink-loving ministry woman. He stood up his textbook in front of him, writing his report to that insert-your-favorite-swear-word-here of a colonel.

_Hey Colonel Jerk,_

_I'm still alive, much to your disappointment, I'm sure. However, what I'm writing you will probably sound like I belong to an insane asylum. Feel free to send Alphonse to check on my sanity! This 'magic' school for 'wizards and witches' is more than just a joke. There is actually-_

"Mister Elric!" A sickly sweet voice interrupted Ed's writing. "What are you doing? You aren't paying attention to my class."

"Yeah. I figured that whatever you say would be written in the textbook."

"Hmph. Mister Elric, I assure you that, as a Ministry official, I will be teaching you valuable things that you may need to know to defend yourself some day."

"Some day? Voldemort's alive today. He's out there right now, and you want us to use _theory_ to attack him?" The black-haired boy, Harry, objected.

"That is a completely false rumor, Mister Potter."

"Oh, so Cedric killed himself, is that what you're saying?" Harry snapped angrily.

"That was an accident. Detention, Mister Potter." The pink toad of a woman said sharply. "There will be no more talk of this in my classroom." Harry tore his eyes away from the pink monstrosity, silently fuming.

"The theories I shall teach you will be most beneficial to you, as this class has been haphazardly taught to you. It is most unfortunate that you have had to change teachers every year, but I assure you that this year you will be taught in a Ministry-approved fashion." The toad rambled. Ed raised his hand.

"Yes, Mister Elric?"

"Harry has a point. Theory is great and all- it can be useful, but if you never put it to use in practice, it is utterly useless." Toad Witch gave an angry huff.

"Detention, Mister Elric. You believe that you know better what is for your wellbeing than a Ministry-approved official? This curriculum was created with your best interests in mind by many of the well-educated individuals with wizard diplomas, and you believe that you, a mere undergraduate student with no previous experience, know better than they what is for your wellbeing?"

"Yes. I also believe that you are undermining the abilities of myself." Umbridge laughed.

"So, if a group of dementors came in right now, what would you do?"

"How about we make it Death Eaters?" Hermoine said. "We're more likely to meet them than dementors now."

"Miss Granger, we are _not _having this conversation agai-" Toad Witch was cut off by the voices of many, all agreeing with Hermoine. "FINE!" Umbridge shouted. Calming herself, she said in the same sweet tone, "If a group of Death Eaters walked in right now, do you know what steps you should take in order to defend yourself properly?" Hermoine raised her hand, as everyone knew she would.

"Yes," Ed replied with a smirk. "I'd do _this._" Ed clapped his hands together and then slammed them into the ground. Suddenly, the floor rose up to the Toad Witch and ensnared her, clasping onto her hands, legs, and waist. Her eyes bugged out so large that Ed thought they would pop out of her skull. She was about to open her mouth again when Ed had some of the floor snake up her and clutch her mouth tightly so that she was unable to speak.

"Do you think _that _would be enough to stop a Death Eater?" Ed inquired, a wicked grin on his face. Without waiting for her reaction, Ed headed towards the door. "I won't be attending this class again. I've already read the entire textbook, so your class is useless." Ed opened the door to leave, and stopped as the class burst into applause. He rolled his eyes and closed the door behind him, not quite sure of what to think of people actually _liking _his attitude.

Ed was blissfully happy to be away from that wretched woman. Even more so now that he had found the library of the school. He could now study in peace, working to find something that would explain the reasons why magic could exist without obeying the laws of equivalent exchange. Thus far, he had found several books with valid and interesting information, but nothing he had found had addressed his problem.

"Oh.. hello." Ed heard a voice say to him. He looked up and saw Hermoine. "I'm a bit surprised to find you here," she confessed. "Normally, I'm the only one in Griffindor who ever visits the library actively looking for subjects that have nothing to do with homework." Ed shrugged.

"Anyways, the bell is going to ring soon, so we really should get going, Elric." Hermoine continued.

"Just call me Ed," he replied. "Go on to class without me; I need to check these out before I go."

"Alright. See you, Ed!" With that, Hermoine left.

Ed was lucky to have made it to Divination before the bell rang, though he didn't really care either way. He didn't have much of an expectation for this class, because the textbook had pretty much been a load of crap, talking about 'foreseeing the future'. No one knew the future. It wasn't possible, even if 'magic' existed.

The teacher was a thin, frail woman, with large rounded glasses that reminded Ed of a frightened rabbit. She spoke with a misty voice. "Welcome to Divination, where you may learn to see the future and understand what omens are trying to warn you of. Today we will study and analyze dreams. Start by finding a partner and tell them your dreams." The class scurried to find a partner, and Ed found himself sitting next to the kind, slightly plump kid from earlier.

"E-erm, can you go first?" The boy asked, as the teacher came towards their side of the room. Ed sighed.

"I really can't do this. I don't dream; I have nightmares, and I don't care to tell anyone about them. This class is useless." The teacher turned to Ed, shocked.

"Nightmares are some of the best ways to understand what your subconscious is trying to tell you. You can use them to your a-advantage."

"Fine. My nightmares are the constant replay of a stupid mistake I made. Happy?" Neville nodded, but before he could reply, the teacher interrupted.

"The nightmares represent your guilt. You need to let go of the past." Ed snorted.

"That's a load of crap. When people have to live with the consequences of your mistakes, you can't. Let. Go. You can only try to fix it." The teacher tried to interject something more but Ed stood up. "I'll go to the library. It'll be better for me and the class, because I'll never buy into this fortune-telling business." Ed left without another word and ignored the teachers' stuttering objections.

And once again, Ed was blissfully enjoying himself in the library. Soon he would become familiar with its' every shelf and corner. However, he was wondering if any of his classes would actually be useful.

He was finishing his report to Mustang when he heard the bell go off. He sighed and folded the letter, sticking it into his pocket. He found his way to the Potions classroom and once again took a seat at the back of the class, where he was always most comfortable.

The teacher was a greasy-haired man named Professor Snape, and he was also the head of the Slytherin. The man rambled on, saying something about OWLs and a few other unimportant things, finally getting to the days assignment.

"I want each of you to brew a Draught of Peace by the end of the class period. The instructions are in your textbooks. Whoever fails to concoct a successful Draught of Peace will get a zero on the assignment." Snape also assigned partners to people, and Ed ended up with a brown-haired girl named Lavender. She wasn't exceptional, but could follow the instructions. Ed paid close attention to the details of the potion, because Ed had realized that potion brewing was a lot like alchemy: specific. One little mistake could mean the entire potion was unsalvageable.

The two finished with fifteen minutes to spare, and were one of the first people done with their potion. As Ed sat back down, he noticed that Neville and the redhead (his name was Ron, if Ed remembered correctly) were having a difficult time brewing the potion, and Ed noticed at least two things that the assigned pair were doing wrong.

"Hey!" Ed said in a low voice. "You're supposed to be stirring it _counter clockwise,_ and you put in too much Wormwood just now. It called for three stalks and you gave it four, Neville." Ron's eyes widened.

"Neville!" He squeaked. "You_ said_ you put in the right amount!" Neville started breathing rapidly.

"Sorry, Ron! W-what're we going to do now? Snape's heading down the rows now, checking on everyone's potions!" Neville looked utterly frightened.

"Calm down," Ed replied. "You've already been stirring it clockwise, so you'll just have to keep stirring it that way for now. When you add in the knotgrass, you can change the way you stir to the correct way. As for your Wormwood miscalculation, you'll just have to add in a bit more of the other ingredients so that it will balance out." Ed refused to just help his classmates and talked the two through it, also finding that they had forgotten to add in their Hedgeroot.

"You'll have to wait to add in the Hedgreroot until after you've added in the Boomslang skin. Once you do that, your potion will resume the correct color and-" Ed broke off as Snape came to the table.

"What's going on here?" The professor sneered at the table. "Are you adding in the Boomslang skin _before_ the Hedgeroot? Are you really that incompetent, Longbottom? I said to stir it _counter clockwise, _you ignorant boy! Can you not follow the simplest of instructions?"

"Hey, he's doing just fine!" Ed came to Neville's defense. "He's fixing it."

"_Fixing it?_ He can't fix it. Potion-making is a particular magic in which, once a mistake has been made, you can't just twirl your wand and _fix it_, Mister Elric."

"No, but by adding more or less of other ingredients you can counter the effects of your mistakes, which essentially _fixes_ them." Ed retorted.

"Perhaps, but you never can be sure if it will work or make the potion worse than it already is, causing it to _explode_ as Longbottom here has learned from experience."

"You can if you know the ingredients and their effects on various potions well enough," Ed countered.

"Not unless you've studied potions extensively, which I assure you, this class hasn't and won't. They only take this class so that they can pass it and have it look good on their OWLs. Rather, they enjoy waving their wands and having everything taken care of."

"Maybe they are taking this class because they _want _to understand potions. Neville's been doing just fine and hasn't made a single mistake in the last five minutes. People just need some time and experience to get things right, which you are not giving them."

"Are you insulting my way of teaching? Do you think that _you_, Mister Elric, know more about potions than I do? Do you think that _you_ could teach this class better than I?"

"No," Ed replied honestly. "But since this is a class that actually _makes sense_ to me, I want to learn. I think that even if no one goes on to study potions, they should have the knowledge to make one themselves." Snape rolled his eyes.

"Ten points from Griffindor, for being so annoyingly _sentimental_." Snape drawled, and the Slytherin snickered. "And another fifteen for letting them cheat, Elric." Ed clenched his fists. Finally a subject that interested him, and the teacher was arrogant and frustrating.

Ed survived the class without storming out to the library, and eagerly left for lunch when the bell rang. "W-wait!" Neville called, but Ed was out the door and down the hall, too far away to hear him.

"Blimey, that guy's smart!" Ron said to Harry. "He could give Hermoine a run for her money. Though he doesn't seem like the smart type at a first glance, ditching Divination and Defense Against the Dark Arts. Can't blame him, though." Harry nodded absentmindedly. His scar was still hurting.

Ed loved the food at Hogwarts. The food and the library were the schools' best two perks. Now, if only the teachers could teach something _proper_ that followed the laws of Equivalent Exchange, it might not be so bad. He was thinking more about the 'magic' school when two identical people walked up.

"Hey, Ed!"

"Survive your first day?"

"Hey," Ed replied, looking up at the twins. "I've got detention with the Toad Witch."

"Ooh, that's unlucky mate-"

"But, then again, at least you get more quality time with us." Ed looked up at the identical Weasleys. "You mean-"

"Well, we haven't exactly got detention _yet-_"

"But I'm sure that after the _gift_ we've left her-"

"We'll be joining you." Ed snorted.

"Whatever you did, I hope it's good."

"Oh, it is, mate-"

"After she rebuked-"

"And insulted us-"

"And _then_ couldn't even pronounce our _names_ right-"

"She called us _minks-"_

"Fred and George Minks-"

"Can you bloody believe that?"

"We're Weasley's-"

"Like weasels-"

"And she calls us-"

"The wrong rodents!"

"The _gall_-"

"The _nerve _of that woman-"

"That… pink monstrosity!"

"It's _unforgivable._"

"This calls for _war_."

"Today is only the_ beginning_." The twins vowed.

"Will you two just tell me what you did?" Ed inquired.

"We turned her pen into a Portkey-"

"That'll transfer her into the _middle_ of the _lake._" Ed burst into laughter.

"I can't _wait_ to see her _face_!" He exclaimed with a wicked glint in his eyes. "You two are amazing! I hope I never get on your bad side."

"We do too, mate-"

"For your sake." Just then, the bell rang, ending their fun. Ed went to Transfiguration, taking his traditional seat.

Transfiguration started promptly, with McGonagall giving a standard lecture on the class. "Transfiguration is the art of changing the form and appearance of an object and can be very useful," she began. "But it must be specific, which is why it is on a more difficult level than that of Charms. If you aren't careful, transfigurated objects can go very wrong." Ed gave a small shudder, thinking of transmutations gone wrong, like Nina and the- monster- he and Al had created in which Al had lost his body.

"Now, for your first assignment will be to change this mouse into a ruler and back. Your homework will be to write a three page essay on the rules and theories of Transfiguration." McGonagall instructed, handing out mice. As she passed by Ed, she noticed something.

"Mister Elric, why are you not wearing your wizard robes?"

"I don't like them. I prefer my own style to those… blankets."

"They are school policy, and you must wear them. Ten points from Griffindor for Mister Elrics' lack of following the school code. I expect to see you wearing them the next time you walk into my classroom." Hermoine turned to Ed.

"Just how many points are you going to make us lose?" She said in an exasperated tone. Ed shrugged.

"Now, repeat after me," McGonagall spoke. "You will point your wands and command, '_Sophrinus Cordati!' _like so." She pointed her wand at the mouse, spoke the spell, and the mouse turned into a ruler. Ed almost fell out of his chair. This class _was_ just like transmutation. He didn't like it, not one bit. He raised his hand.

"Yes, Mister Elric?" McGonagall inquired.

"Isn't it wrong to turn an animal into an object and vice versa? I object it on moral grounds." Ed answered.

"I promise you that no harm will come to the animal."

"You can't promise that! You can't reverse the process! If you do something wrong it's impossible to fix, and that mouse will remain a ruler forever. It's not like you can reverse transmutation!"

"On the contrary, it's very easy to restore the animal back to its' original form, Mister Elric. This is Transfiguration. Transmutation is an art that was lost a few centuries back. Watch." She turned to the ruler. "_Rancous flister!_" The professor commanded, and the ruler turned back into a mouse. Ed's eyes widened.

"It's… I-It's not possible," he muttered. "It… can't be." At the same time, Ed was thinking rapidly. _If you can reverse transmutation, then… it's possible to turn Al and I back to the way we were without paying the Gate any price! It can't be real, though… it just can't be!_

"Alright, if there aren't any more questions, please start the assignment, class." McGonagall continued. Ed watched as his classmates attempted the spell without any results. Swallowing hard, Ed gave it a try.

"_Sophrinus Cordati!_" Ed said, clearly annunciating every sound. His mouse went stiff and assumed the form of the ruler. Ed cautiously touched the ruler, and finding that it was indeed a ruler without a trace of its' former self, raised his hand.

"Yes, Mister Elric?" McGonagall questioned.

"I'm done," he said, holding up the ruler. She blinked, and then snorted.

"Don't lie to me, Mister Elric. It took my best student five tries before her mouse even began to look like a ruler. What did you do to the poor thing?" Ed shook his head.

"This is really it." She gave him a disbelieving look. Ed sighed. Why didn't McGonagall believe him? Ed was a prodigy, after all. "_Rancous flister!_" He commanded, and the ruler turned back into a living breathing mouse. Ed was almost as shocked as the professor. _So it… it is possible to reverse a transmutation, but how?_

"W-well, Mister Elric, this is quite shocking indeed. Fifteen points to Griffindor for an amazing demonstration of technique!" McGonagall awarded. Hermoine looked flabbergasted.

After that, Ed just worked on the essay, so that by the end of class he was finished with his homework. When the bell rang, Ed ran off to the library to find more books on Transfiguration.

At six o' clock, Ed realized that it was time for detention. He made his way to the Toad's room somberly. He entered it to see the twins, Harry Potter, and a sour-looking, soaking, pink monstrosity of a toad.

He burst into laughter. "I said it once and I'll say it once more: you two are absolutely amazing!" Ed complimented the twins.

"Why, thank you, Ed, we-"

"ENOUGH!" The Pink Monstrosity screeched. "This is detention! Not a place for you to hang out and have a good time!" She sucked in a deep breath. "Now, I have a very special punishment planned for you miscreants. You are to write the sentence I tell you to until I feel you have learned your lesson. Mister Potter, you will write the sentence, 'I must not tell lies'. Mister Elric, you will write, 'I will not disrespect my teachers,' and you," she said, turning to the twins, "will write-" One of the twins interrupted her.

"I will not launch my teacher into the lake."

"No, no, Feorge, she's gonna have us write, 'I will not turn my teachers' pen into a Portkey."

"No she'll have us write, 'I will pretend to be a suck-up to Professor Umbridge a.k.a. the Pink Monstrosity."

"No, she'd have us-"

"STOP IT!" Umbridge commanded. "You. Will. Write. 'I will not misbehave.' Get to work."

"Oh, Gred, we should have seen it coming."

"Heaven forbid she should have a _fun_ interesting sentence for us to write."

"Not an ounce of creativity in her."

"No fun at all-"

"WRITE ALREADY!" She shrieked. As Ed began to write, he winced as he noticed that the back of his hand started to hurt. He inspected his left hand to find the words, 'I will not disrespect my teachers,' written there. His eyes widened, and he looked at Fred and George to see that they were absentmindedly rubbing the backs of their right hands. Ed looked to his left to see Harry wincing as he wrote as well. Ed looked up at the Toad Witch, who smiled pleasantly at him. Ed glared at her.

"I refuse to write." He continued to glare at her.

"You can't. Do as I say, Mister Elric."

"Why should I? Give me one good reason why I shouldn't just leave you in the same position as when I left class earlier." Ed growled at her, and was pleased to see her flinch slightly.

"Because I am a person of authority."

"Not good enough of a reason."

"I'll send you to Dumbledore."

"Please, feel free. I'd love to tell him about you're incompetence, and I'm sure that he'd just _love _to hear about your detention methods." Ed said suddenly, with fake enthusiasm, masking his hatred and loathing suddenly.

"How dare you?" Umbridge sputtered. "I'll have you _expelled!_" Ed shrugged.

"Fine by me. I was forced here against my will anyways. A pity, though, because I actually liked a subject or two here. In fact, maybe you _have_ taught me something through your awful ways. I actually am starting to respect some of the teachers here. I mean, they've accomplished the feat of being able to tolerate you and treat you civilly, which I assure you, is no small deed. Well, since you've taught me so much, I guess that I won't need your detentions any more. Thank you, Professor Umbridge. I leave your office a changed man!" Ed said dramatically, and the twins began to shed pretend tears, bursting into applause.

"He's brilliant, Feorge!"

"I know Gred!"

"It's truly inspiring!" The two sobbed some more, one grabbing a tissue and blowing into it.

"Farewell, good friend!" With that, Ed left, leaving the Toad Witch in an angry fit. Fred, George, and Harry left as Umbridge had her mental breakdown.

Ed came back from detention and sent his complete report to Mustang via owl. It read:

_Hey Colonel Jerk,_

_I'm still alive, much to your disappointment, I'm sure. However, what I'm writing you will probably sound like I belong to an insane asylum. Feel free to send Alphonse to check on my sanity! This 'magic' school for 'wizards and witches' is more than just a joke. There is actually such thing as 'magic' it seems- for whatever reason, it doesn't follow the rules of Equivalent Exchange. They use real 'wands' as their main medium for directing their 'magic' made from various types of wood with cores such as unicorn hair, phoenix feather, and dragon heartstring. As incredulous as it sounds, their 'magic' can do things such as light objects on fire, levitate objects off of the ground, and change a persons' appearance. Today, in fact, in a class call Transfiguration (a lot like transmuting objects in alchemy) I turned a mouse into a ruler. It doesn't seem like much, but here's the eye-opening part- I was able to __**change it back**__. There also seem to be spells that can be used to attack and defend ones' self. More later._

_-The Full Metal Alchemist, Edward Elric_

Ed spent the rest of the evening in the library, studying, and then crept into bed early, not wanting anyone to see his metal limbs. If anyone ever saw them, he'd have a lot of unwanted explaining to do.

**Whew! That was a monster to write! This is like 3 chapters in one and took almost an entire week to write. Those of you who have read Journey to Konoha, I apologize for starting a new story when I have a perfectly good one already up and going. Anyways, thanks for reading, now please review! This also is a whopping 17 pages on Microsoft Word**


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